Suicide is a heartbreaking reality that affects many families and communities. In the UK, men are statistically far more likely to die by suicide than women. According to recent data, men account for about three-quarters of all suicide deaths. This staggering number raises important questions: Why are men more at risk? What drives them to such a tragic end? As a therapist, I often explore these questions with my clients, especially those dealing with the lingering effects of trauma. In previous blogs I have talked about suicide and pain. Another theory that helps to shed light on this issue is Roy Baumeister’s Psychological Pain theory. For me, this theory helps me understand the deep emotional pain that can lead someone to see suicide as their only escape.
The Essence of Baumeister’s Psychological Pain Theory
At its core, Baumeister’s theory suggests that suicide often stems from intense psychological pain. This isn’t just ordinary sadness or disappointment; it’s a profound, unbearable pain that feels impossible to escape. According to Baumeister, this pain arises when there’s a significant gap between how someone sees themselves and how they wish to be. When a person’s current reality is far removed from their ideals or aspirations, it can create a deep sense of failure, hopelessness, and despair.
For many men, this gap can be particularly painful. Society often imposes specific expectations on men—be strong, be successful, don’t show weakness. When men feel they’re not living up to these standards—whether it’s because they’ve lost a job, experienced a breakup, or are struggling with unresolved trauma—the resulting shame and pain can be overwhelming. Baumeister’s theory helps explain why this pain can sometimes become so intense that suicide seems like the only way out.
How Trauma Contributes to Men’s Pain
Traumatic experiences, whether from childhood, specific events, or ongoing distresscan leave deep emotional wounds, leading to persistent feelings of fear, shame, or guilt. These unresolved emotions can distort how men perceive themselves, often making them feel inadequate, damaged, or disconnected from their true potential. When new stressors arise, these buried traumas can resurface, amplifying their current pain and further increasing the distance between who they are and who they want to be.
In Baumeister’s framework, the pressure to conform to societal expectations compounds this pain. Men are often socialized to suppress emotions and avoid showing vulnerability, which means they may internalize their trauma rather than seek help to heal from it. Over time, this unaddressed pain builds up, exacerbating their psychological distress and making it harder to cope with life's challenges. This accumulated trauma can intensify the sense of hopelessness and despair that Baumeister describes, pushing some men toward the tragic conclusion that suicide is their only way to escape the overwhelming psychological pain.
The Impact of Feeling Like a Burden and Being Isolated
Baumeister’s theory also highlights the role of feeling like a burden and experiencing isolation in the development of suicidal thoughts. When men feel like they’re a burden to their loved ones or society - perhaps because they’re unemployed, dealing with chronic illness, or simply feel like they’re failing in life - they might start to believe that their death would relieve others of this burden. This belief can be particularly strong in men who have experienced trauma, as they may already feel disconnected from their families or communities.
Isolation, whether it’s physical or emotional, can make things even worse. Men who lose their support networks - due to divorce, job loss, or moving away - may find themselves with no one to turn to when they’re struggling. When struggling men are also more likely to disconnect from existing networks and the resulting lack of connection can deepen their sense of hopelessness, often leading them to believe there’s no one who can truly understand or help them. When combined with the intense psychological pain Baumeister describes, this isolation can make suicide seem like the only way to escape their suffering.
Why Do Men Find It Hard to Reach Out?
A big part of the problem is that men often find it difficult to ask for help when they’re struggling. This reluctance can be traced back to societal expectations that discourage men from showing vulnerability. From a young age, many boys are taught to ‘toughen up’ and not cry or express their emotions. As they grow older, this pressure to appear strong and self-reliant can prevent them from opening up when they’re in pain.
Even when they’re suffering deeply, men often feel ashamed to admit they’re struggling. They may worry that reaching out for help will make them look weak or that others will judge them. This can lead them to hide their pain, making it harder for friends, family, or therapists to offer support. Over time, this silence can increase their feelings of isolation and make their psychological pain even more unbearable.
How Can Therapy Help?
As a therapist, it’s crucial for me to understand the different factors that contribute to men’s psychological pain, especially when working with clients who might be at risk of suicide. One of the most important things I can do is create a safe space where men feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. In therapy, men can begin to explore the sources of their pain and start challenging the negative beliefs they hold about themselves.
For example, I can support men in reframing their ideas about masculinity. Instead of seeing vulnerability as a weakness, I can encourage them to view it as a strength—a sign of courage and self-awareness. I also work with them to unpack any historical trauma they might be carrying, helping them understand how these deep-seated wounds are influencing their current struggles. By addressing these issues, it is possible to guide them towards a more compassionate understanding of themselves.
Another key aspect of therapy is helping men rebuild their sense of connection. Whether it’s through group support (and there are some amazing men’s groups out there), reconnecting with family, or getting involved in community or social activities, fostering these connections can provide a crucial support system. These relationships can help men feel less isolated and offer them a lifeline when they’re feeling overwhelmed by psychological pain.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Suicide among men is a complex issue with deep emotional and social roots. Baumeister’s Psychological Pain theory gives us valuable insight into why some men might feel that suicide is their only option. By understanding the intense psychological pain that can result from unmet expectations, trauma, feelings of isolation and being a burden, we can better support men who are struggling.
As a community, it’s important to challenge the societal norms that prevent men from seeking help and to create environments where they feel safe to express their pain. For those of us working in therapy, it’s about offering understanding, compassion, and practical support to help men navigate their struggles. By addressing these issues head-on, we can help prevent the tragedy of suicide and support men in finding healthier ways to cope with their pain.
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