The Need to Belong
As human beings, we have a fundamental need to belong, which is crucial for our survival and well-being.
Humans are naturally social creatures. We are designed to connect with others, form relationships, and be part of groups. This social connection is deeply rooted in our nature and is vital for our well-being.
Historically, being part of a group was essential for survival. Early humans who belonged to groups had better access to resources, protection from dangers, and support in raising children. Those who were isolated faced greater risks and lower survival chances.
Being part of a group also offers emotional benefits. It provides a sense of identity, purpose, and support. Feeling accepted and valued by others boosts self-esteem and mental health. This is why men are often drawn to join peer support groups, highlighting the importance of mental health peer support.
When our need to belong is unmet, through feelings of rejection, loneliness, and exclusion, we experience social pain. Social pain is significant and research conducted by Naomi Eisenberger has shown that can feel as real as physical pain. As our brains process both in similar ways, our bodies could be registering a pain response regardless of whether the source is physical or emotional.
Insights on Social Pain & Belonging
Social pain refers to the emotional pain that comes from our relationships and interactions with others. This can include feelings of rejection, loneliness, or being left out. Unlike physical pain, which hurts our bodies, social pain hurts our feelings and can deeply affect our mental well-being
John Gunn’s Suicide Pain Model (2017) highlights the importance of understanding social pain in the context of our need to belong. When people feel disconnected, rejected, or isolated, it can lead to severe emotional distress.
Gunn’s theory emphasises that addressing social pain is crucial for mental health and well-being. By fostering a sense of belonging and supporting social connections, we can help reduce feelings of isolation and despair. This understanding can guide efforts to prevent suicidal thoughts and behaviours by creating more inclusive and supportive environments.
Why Social Pain Affects Men So Strongly
There are several reasons why social pain might hit men particularly hard:
Societal Expectations: Society often expects men to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. From a young age, boys are taught to "toughen up" and not show their emotions. This can lead to men feeling ashamed of their emotions and reluctant to seek help when they’re struggling.
Pressure to Succeed: Men often feel immense pressure to succeed in their careers, provide for their families, and be ‘strong’ for others. When facing job loss, financial difficulties, or other setbacks, they might feel like they’ve failed. This can lead to a deep sense of shame, worthlessness and despair.
Relationship Issues: Break-ups, divorces, and other relationship problems can cause severe social pain. Men might struggle more with these issues because they often have fewer emotional support networks compared to women. When a relationship ends, they can feel incredibly alone and unsupported.
Isolation: Men are less likely to seek out social connections and support groups compared to women. They might have fewer close friends and less emotional intimacy in their relationships. This isolation can make social pain even more intense and unbearable.
How Social Pain Leads to Suicidal Thoughts
When social pain becomes overwhelming, it can lead to suicidal thoughts.
Feeling Alone and Unsupported: When men feel they have no one to turn to, the pain of loneliness can become too much to bear. They might start to believe that no one cares about them or that their presence doesn’t matter.
Hopelessness: Social pain can create a deep sense of hopelessness. Men might feel like their situation will never improve and that their pain will never end. This can make suicide seem like the only way out.
Loss of Purpose: When men experience social pain, especially from job loss or relationship issues, they might lose their sense of purpose. They might feel like they no longer have a role to play or a reason to keep going.
Addressing Social Pain & Supporting Men
Understanding social pain is crucial in supporting men who are struggling. Here are some ways to help:
Encourage Open Communication: Let men know that it’s okay to talk about their feelings. Encourage open and honest conversations about emotions and struggles. Showing empathy and understanding can make a big difference.
Promote Emotional Expression: Help men find healthy ways to express their emotions. This could be through talking with a friend, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative activities like art or music.
Build Support Networks: Encourage men to build and maintain strong social connections. This could involve joining clubs, sports teams, or community groups. Having a support network can provide a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation.
Challenge Societal Norms: We all need to work towards changing societal expectations around masculinity. Encourage men to embrace vulnerability and seek help when needed. Promoting a culture where it’s okay to show emotions can reduce the stigma around mental health issues.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy and counselling can be incredibly beneficial and can offer strategies to cope with social pain and provide a safe space to talk about difficult feelings.
The Importance of Compassion
At the core of Gunn’s theory is the importance of compassion and understanding. Recognising that men’s suicidal thoughts often stem from intense social pain can shift the focus from judgment to support. This perspective encourages us to offer empathy, listen without judgment, and provide practical help to those in distress.
Conclusion
John Gunn’s theory of social pain helps us understand why men might become suicidal. By recognising the intense emotional pain caused by societal expectations, relationship issues, and isolation, we can better support men who are struggling. It’s essential to encourage open communication, build support networks, and promote emotional expression.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it’s crucial to let them know that you are there for them. Talking about their suicidal thoughts will not make it more likely that they will act. Talk to them about seeking help, reaching out to mental health professionals, crisis hotlines, or trusted individuals who can provide support. Remember, there is help available, and no one has to face their pain alone.
If you have been affected by the content of this blog and would like to discuss how I might be able to support you, click on the link below to book a free 30 minute video call.
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